I am afraid of showing weakness.
I am afraid of being seen as less than I “am”.
I am afraid of being seen as unknowledgeable. As stupid.
Modern psychology has uncovered 2 basic was a brain sees its ability to learn. Fixed mindset, and growth.
The fixed mindset is the belief that you are either smart or dumb, and that’s the way you were born. You’re good at math. You’re the top of your class. You’re the one who always has the answers…
The fixed mindset is damning, in that it dams all progress. Your intelligence is fixed. You can, or you can’t, and there’s nothing you can do about it. There is no becoming.
Growth mindset is just the opposite. You know that you may not be good now, but you can become better. Effort is what matters. Putting in the work to try something new until it becomes familiar. Believing that you can become better by applying your mind and your will.
I do not currently have this mindset. Not yet.
I’m too desperate to be seen as intelligent, as smart. I want to be impressive.
It’s a facade. And it’s holding me back from what I can become.
The really hard part is how painful being wrong is for me. My whole identity for 26 years has been build around this idea that I am smart and intelligent and clever. How do I let go of something that feels so fundamentally a part of myself?
I’ve got a few ideas on where to start. We’ll have to see how they turn out.
Asking more questions, even when it’s uncomfortable, is a place to begin. Maybe by question journaling, the same way some people gratitude journal.
You know what the actually scary part is? I’m not sure which side this blog post is on. Am I posting this to seem impressive in my self-knowledge, or am I actually going to change?
Mind-games with yourself are the worst.
Yes, I’m going to change. But darn it all, this is hard.